7.29.2009
7.21.2009
The Loss of a Friend
I just finished an hour and half conversation with one of my roommates. Thank God for them. Seriously, because I was going in a hysterical fit, and I most definitely needed someone to calm me down. I find myself very calm at this moment.
I lost a friend tonight. Not to cancer, not to illness, not to distance, not to death, not to misunderstanding, not to a single event, but rather, a series of unfortunate events.
I lost a friend, not because I did something wrong, not because they did something wrong, but because we were just not meant to be friends. I can barely type that sentence without cringing as to how utterly horrible that sounds. We were not meant to be friends.
I lost a friend because it simply was not meant to be. I've never had someone tell me this so calmly and coldly as someone did tonight. I'm sure for those of you who know me in the flesh, can guess on the first try as to who I am speaking of, and you are probably right. This person and I have had our shares of problems since freshman and sophomore year, we have had our disagreements, we have even had our good times, but all in all, it was a friendship that I still cherish, even though it is all done and over with.
I've never had someone tell me that they no longer wanted to be friends because "who you are" and "who I am" just "will never work out".
It almost sounds like a break up. A very very very harsh break up.
That is how I treated it. I paced my apartment, grunting, making sounds, saying words that I shouldn't have said, flailing my arms in apprehension, wanting somehow to let off the steam that was building up in my chest.
Thankfully, my chest didn't explode, but slowly released the pressure, over a hour and a half conversation.
I lost a friend tonight. I'm not very happy about it. I think I understand it a little better as to why I lost a friend tonight.
If this post sounds emo, it is. I am emotional after losing a close friend of mine, deal with it.
I'm not perfect, I'm sure that I've hurt someone just as much as someone hurt me tonight. Tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. Just know that I too, am learning
I lost a friend tonight. Not to cancer, not to illness, not to distance, not to death, not to misunderstanding, not to a single event, but rather, a series of unfortunate events.
I lost a friend, not because I did something wrong, not because they did something wrong, but because we were just not meant to be friends. I can barely type that sentence without cringing as to how utterly horrible that sounds. We were not meant to be friends.
I lost a friend because it simply was not meant to be. I've never had someone tell me this so calmly and coldly as someone did tonight. I'm sure for those of you who know me in the flesh, can guess on the first try as to who I am speaking of, and you are probably right. This person and I have had our shares of problems since freshman and sophomore year, we have had our disagreements, we have even had our good times, but all in all, it was a friendship that I still cherish, even though it is all done and over with.
I've never had someone tell me that they no longer wanted to be friends because "who you are" and "who I am" just "will never work out".
It almost sounds like a break up. A very very very harsh break up.
That is how I treated it. I paced my apartment, grunting, making sounds, saying words that I shouldn't have said, flailing my arms in apprehension, wanting somehow to let off the steam that was building up in my chest.
Thankfully, my chest didn't explode, but slowly released the pressure, over a hour and a half conversation.
I lost a friend tonight. I'm not very happy about it. I think I understand it a little better as to why I lost a friend tonight.
If this post sounds emo, it is. I am emotional after losing a close friend of mine, deal with it.
I'm not perfect, I'm sure that I've hurt someone just as much as someone hurt me tonight. Tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. Just know that I too, am learning
7.20.2009
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sometimes there are just no words to express the feeling.
sometimes there are just no words to express the feeling.
7.16.2009
Rethinking Relationship
I remember hearing this idea that the reason why humans strive to gain personal relationships is because, the more people we believe truly "know" us, the more self actualized we become. The reason why people aim for fame, power, money is primarily so that people will notice them and in turn, the individual will become more real and self actualized. In laymen terms, the more people know you, know of you, are affected by you, the better you feel and the more happiness you experience. The reason why we don't all have thousands of friends is because of the fact that there is a lot of cost in having friendships, there is time, money, effort, and all the other wonderful things that it costs to have someone as a friend. You cannot be friends with everyone, but you can try if you have enough resources. The more friends you have, the more "real" you are. Have you heard the phrase, "I think, therefore I am"? This is basically saying "They like me, therefore I am". Celebrities find fame a drug, that helps them realize that they truly are worth something. Millionaires find that their money proves that they have reached the top. Kings and emperors, know that thousands of people are at their disposal, therefore making them almighty.
I suppose the point I bring up this theory, is two fold. The fact that people are so enthralled with relationships. Be it friendship, be it a rival, be it an enemy, or even a love interest. People are consumed by relationships. Why do you think Facebook is so popular? It is easy access into thousands (maybe millions if you are super popular) of people's lives at the touch of a button. Friendships are so easy these days (I say this is slight sarcasm, as I view the online aspect of relationships as a sad facade in comparison to the real depth you can achieve through a simple meeting face to face). And secondly, because I am so enthralled by relationships, and I find it disturbing. I find it hard to believe when someone infers that I am not their friend "just because, not because you did anything wrong, but just because". I find it intriguing when couples form, and even more intriguing as to the reasons they stay together (or reasons for the opposite). I find friendships to be an even more curious beast, as they can be as simple as knowing someone from a class, to someone you can call up to go play basketball with (at any hour of day or night).
I suppose that this discussion would be much more interesting with charts and graphs, but I am too lazy. But I do have in mind what it could possibly look like.
Relationships are so enjoyable (sometimes even the negative relationships, such as a heated rivalry) but they come at costs (as mentioned before). So if the relationship has more enjoyment than costs, obviously that relationship should continue.
I think that although it is a very sound argument as to why people continue their relationships, I think there is a large factor that most people forget when thinking of relationships.
God.
Cliche. I know.
My mind is spinning, that is for sure, as to what the importance of human-human relationships are, and what they are good for, but one thing is clear.
The God-Man relationship, is a relationship in which God is the good, and man is the endless disappointment.
I think I have come to sort of a revelation as to why God supports human-human relationship.
When we are in relation with God, benefit comes to both sides. God is glorified and Man is purified. When we are in relation with one another, benefit SHOULD come to both sides (I think it should still be God is glorified, Man is purified, but it is doubly benefited rather than singularly).
The questions of the day are (at least for myself), if a relationship is not conducive to glorifying God, is it a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is self satisfying is that a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is "neutral" in its benefits, is that a relationship worth seeking? Can God use relationships to show something about himself?
Some of the answers should be obvious, and for those of you who don't believe in a God, or don't believe that God is perfect, I suppose some of these questions would change.
We all love relationship, that is a truth, we all need relationship. But what is a healthy relationship? Is God even a part of a healthy relationship, Is God the center of a healthy relationship?
(I really do try to make this a broader meaning of the term relationship, more than the "bf/gf" that we are so commonly used to)
I'm currently working on my God-Man relationship (not that I wont be working on it later, just that, I don't see how a girlfriend fits in this picture, at least not yet)
I suppose the point I bring up this theory, is two fold. The fact that people are so enthralled with relationships. Be it friendship, be it a rival, be it an enemy, or even a love interest. People are consumed by relationships. Why do you think Facebook is so popular? It is easy access into thousands (maybe millions if you are super popular) of people's lives at the touch of a button. Friendships are so easy these days (I say this is slight sarcasm, as I view the online aspect of relationships as a sad facade in comparison to the real depth you can achieve through a simple meeting face to face). And secondly, because I am so enthralled by relationships, and I find it disturbing. I find it hard to believe when someone infers that I am not their friend "just because, not because you did anything wrong, but just because". I find it intriguing when couples form, and even more intriguing as to the reasons they stay together (or reasons for the opposite). I find friendships to be an even more curious beast, as they can be as simple as knowing someone from a class, to someone you can call up to go play basketball with (at any hour of day or night).
I suppose that this discussion would be much more interesting with charts and graphs, but I am too lazy. But I do have in mind what it could possibly look like.
Relationships are so enjoyable (sometimes even the negative relationships, such as a heated rivalry) but they come at costs (as mentioned before). So if the relationship has more enjoyment than costs, obviously that relationship should continue.
I think that although it is a very sound argument as to why people continue their relationships, I think there is a large factor that most people forget when thinking of relationships.
God.
Cliche. I know.
My mind is spinning, that is for sure, as to what the importance of human-human relationships are, and what they are good for, but one thing is clear.
The God-Man relationship, is a relationship in which God is the good, and man is the endless disappointment.
I think I have come to sort of a revelation as to why God supports human-human relationship.
When we are in relation with God, benefit comes to both sides. God is glorified and Man is purified. When we are in relation with one another, benefit SHOULD come to both sides (I think it should still be God is glorified, Man is purified, but it is doubly benefited rather than singularly).
The questions of the day are (at least for myself), if a relationship is not conducive to glorifying God, is it a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is self satisfying is that a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is "neutral" in its benefits, is that a relationship worth seeking? Can God use relationships to show something about himself?
Some of the answers should be obvious, and for those of you who don't believe in a God, or don't believe that God is perfect, I suppose some of these questions would change.
We all love relationship, that is a truth, we all need relationship. But what is a healthy relationship? Is God even a part of a healthy relationship, Is God the center of a healthy relationship?
(I really do try to make this a broader meaning of the term relationship, more than the "bf/gf" that we are so commonly used to)
I'm currently working on my God-Man relationship (not that I wont be working on it later, just that, I don't see how a girlfriend fits in this picture, at least not yet)
7.15.2009
Joy Kill
Sin kills joy.
Let me rephrase.
Sin is enjoyable in the present, but its lasting effects bring about pain and suffering.
Sin kills joy.
I think I fail to remember that my life is much better off when I choose to do the things that I am already supposed to do. When I go off tangent from what I am supposed to do, that is when I find myself stumbling down a road full of rocks and those annoying spiky balls that always seem to get stuck in the weirdest places. So let me tell you, I am on a mission to stay as far as possible from anything that would lead me to destroy my joy.
I need to protect my joy. I need to protect myself.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew exactly what the WRONG thing to do was, and it was on your mind the entire time, but somehow, by the grace of God you were able to do the right thing? Doing the right thing is not easy. I guess thats how things are. I really really really wanted to do the wrong thing today, but in my heart, I knew what the right thing was, and I did it.
I wish I could have done the right thing the first time around, then maybe I wouldn't have had my joy killed like it is. But its too late, and I'm sure that God can restore my joy. I was happy for a while, but honestly, screw being happy, I want the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
Sin kills joy. I've been the worst sinner of them all (which is an exaggeration since we are all freaking horrible sinners, but honestly, I've been a pretty jacked up Christian), and its time for me to really ask for repentance for whats been going down in my life.
I need to work on a lot of things.
1. It is impossible to win an argument. Even if you win, you lose. It is possible to have a good discussion (just to clarify).
2. Compliments are much more powerful than critiques. I am definitely in need of complimenting people more.
3. There are power in my words. Especially love, hate, forever, never, always, and all the other words that express unwavering emotion.
4. I need more patience.
5. When people bother me, I need to find a way to make it so they don't bother me... I don't know how to do this.
6. Learn the importance of being important. (People need to feel important, even Christians, but the right way to feel important is knowing that God thinks your are important)
7. How to hold someone's heart.
8. So much more.
Time to write something lyrical.
Let me rephrase.
Sin is enjoyable in the present, but its lasting effects bring about pain and suffering.
Sin kills joy.
I think I fail to remember that my life is much better off when I choose to do the things that I am already supposed to do. When I go off tangent from what I am supposed to do, that is when I find myself stumbling down a road full of rocks and those annoying spiky balls that always seem to get stuck in the weirdest places. So let me tell you, I am on a mission to stay as far as possible from anything that would lead me to destroy my joy.
I need to protect my joy. I need to protect myself.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew exactly what the WRONG thing to do was, and it was on your mind the entire time, but somehow, by the grace of God you were able to do the right thing? Doing the right thing is not easy. I guess thats how things are. I really really really wanted to do the wrong thing today, but in my heart, I knew what the right thing was, and I did it.
I wish I could have done the right thing the first time around, then maybe I wouldn't have had my joy killed like it is. But its too late, and I'm sure that God can restore my joy. I was happy for a while, but honestly, screw being happy, I want the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
Sin kills joy. I've been the worst sinner of them all (which is an exaggeration since we are all freaking horrible sinners, but honestly, I've been a pretty jacked up Christian), and its time for me to really ask for repentance for whats been going down in my life.
I need to work on a lot of things.
1. It is impossible to win an argument. Even if you win, you lose. It is possible to have a good discussion (just to clarify).
2. Compliments are much more powerful than critiques. I am definitely in need of complimenting people more.
3. There are power in my words. Especially love, hate, forever, never, always, and all the other words that express unwavering emotion.
4. I need more patience.
5. When people bother me, I need to find a way to make it so they don't bother me... I don't know how to do this.
6. Learn the importance of being important. (People need to feel important, even Christians, but the right way to feel important is knowing that God thinks your are important)
7. How to hold someone's heart.
8. So much more.
Time to write something lyrical.
7.11.2009
Preparation
Three weeks sounds ridiculously short. Two weeks sounds even shorter.
I have two weeks of work left.
I have three weeks until I board a plane to leave for Korea.
I think I'm going to make a new blog specifically for my travels in Korea.
I am also going to make a smugmug or a flikr so I can show all the cool pictures I am going to take.
Also I will keep everyone posted with facebook.
So if you are reading this right now, I'm getting ready to go on my trip to Korea.
This Tuesday, I'm going to Houston (with steven) to get my E2 Foreign Teacher Visa for Korea. That is exciting and yet, it freaks me out.
All I can think about is Korea.
I am quite afraid. I'm sure that everything will go just fine, but still, I am getting the butterflies.
I withdrew some money from the bank today, so that I could have some cash when I'm in Korea.
I got a few passport pictures taken for my visa.
Ahh, crazyness.
Before I go, I want to eat good mexican food, a good burger (had P terry's today that was good), chipotle (which isn't really mexican...), a nice costco hotdog, pizza (maybe even from costco, steak, and anything else that I won't be able to find in Korea (I'm thinking really good italian food).
Before I go, I need to go shopping for business casual clothes. I want to get another suit.
Before I go, I need to get a storage unit for all my crap here in Austin, and MOVE all the crap.
Before I go, I need to meet up with everyone (preferably doing something awesome) to say goodbye.
I hope that I can leave this country with no strings attached. Meaning, I don't have anything to worry about here in the US. Worrying is so useless. Right?
I really do wonder, what is going to happen in 6 months.
Honestly, I am really really really really really considering staying for the whole year. I guess if it is a great experience, I might choose to extend my contract. That would be crazy.
Two weeks of work left. I'm going to miss those little kids. Haha.
I'll keep everyone updated about my blog about Korea. :)
I have two weeks of work left.
I have three weeks until I board a plane to leave for Korea.
I think I'm going to make a new blog specifically for my travels in Korea.
I am also going to make a smugmug or a flikr so I can show all the cool pictures I am going to take.
Also I will keep everyone posted with facebook.
So if you are reading this right now, I'm getting ready to go on my trip to Korea.
This Tuesday, I'm going to Houston (with steven) to get my E2 Foreign Teacher Visa for Korea. That is exciting and yet, it freaks me out.
All I can think about is Korea.
I am quite afraid. I'm sure that everything will go just fine, but still, I am getting the butterflies.
I withdrew some money from the bank today, so that I could have some cash when I'm in Korea.
I got a few passport pictures taken for my visa.
Ahh, crazyness.
Before I go, I want to eat good mexican food, a good burger (had P terry's today that was good), chipotle (which isn't really mexican...), a nice costco hotdog, pizza (maybe even from costco, steak, and anything else that I won't be able to find in Korea (I'm thinking really good italian food).
Before I go, I need to go shopping for business casual clothes. I want to get another suit.
Before I go, I need to get a storage unit for all my crap here in Austin, and MOVE all the crap.
Before I go, I need to meet up with everyone (preferably doing something awesome) to say goodbye.
I hope that I can leave this country with no strings attached. Meaning, I don't have anything to worry about here in the US. Worrying is so useless. Right?
I really do wonder, what is going to happen in 6 months.
Honestly, I am really really really really really considering staying for the whole year. I guess if it is a great experience, I might choose to extend my contract. That would be crazy.
Two weeks of work left. I'm going to miss those little kids. Haha.
I'll keep everyone updated about my blog about Korea. :)
7.10.2009
It Finally Happened
I knew this day would come.
It was not something that would surprise most people.
It surprised me, even though I expected it.
It was bound to happen.
I suppose I saw it coming.
It gradually became evident that it would happen.
As I woke up this morning
At 6 am.
For the first time.
My roommates had still not gone to bed.
Finally, I had woken before they even went to bed.
While I was dreaming, they were studying (playing)
I knew that it would one day happen.
They would usually sleep around 4 or 5.
Today, they made it all the way to the sunrise.
Did they bask in the glory of the sunrise?
No.
Instead they watched youtube videos of Zach Effron (courtney berry did an all nighter here too)
Ironically, I don't have work till 9:30 today. In my defense of waking up early, I took Harrison to the airport.
My crazy roommates. I suppose that this is college. And I am the old man.
It was not something that would surprise most people.
It surprised me, even though I expected it.
It was bound to happen.
I suppose I saw it coming.
It gradually became evident that it would happen.
As I woke up this morning
At 6 am.
For the first time.
My roommates had still not gone to bed.
Finally, I had woken before they even went to bed.
While I was dreaming, they were studying (playing)
I knew that it would one day happen.
They would usually sleep around 4 or 5.
Today, they made it all the way to the sunrise.
Did they bask in the glory of the sunrise?
No.
Instead they watched youtube videos of Zach Effron (courtney berry did an all nighter here too)
Ironically, I don't have work till 9:30 today. In my defense of waking up early, I took Harrison to the airport.
My crazy roommates. I suppose that this is college. And I am the old man.
7.09.2009
Moleskine
Today, I got a moleskine from someone for my birthday. I love it.
Tomorrow, I go to the Austin Zoo for work. HAH, "work".
Yesterday, I realized that time does heal some wounds that I thought would never be healed.
In two days, I will clean my room. I promise.
Two days ago, I watched 500 days of Summer, which was a great movie. I would write a review, but I think that I need to watch it one more time. I really enjoyed it, but it was harshly reminiscent of my own past.
In one week, I will have gone to Houston to get my visa for my trip to Korea.
A week ago, I was 19 years old, and thought that I knew what was going on.
In one month, I will be in Korea.
One month ago, I was not in Korea.
John Mayer completely destroys me with his words. Sometimes I wonder if he really does just sit down and write this stuff, or if he has people help him (or just straight out do it for him). He's a genius. I remember hearing an interview from him saying that he got the lyrics to one of his songs as he was walking down the isle of a grocery store. How. Awesome. Is. That.
I'm going to start writing songs again. I know they will suck. I'm still going to do it.
Tomorrow, I go to the Austin Zoo for work. HAH, "work".
Yesterday, I realized that time does heal some wounds that I thought would never be healed.
In two days, I will clean my room. I promise.
Two days ago, I watched 500 days of Summer, which was a great movie. I would write a review, but I think that I need to watch it one more time. I really enjoyed it, but it was harshly reminiscent of my own past.
In one week, I will have gone to Houston to get my visa for my trip to Korea.
A week ago, I was 19 years old, and thought that I knew what was going on.
In one month, I will be in Korea.
One month ago, I was not in Korea.
John Mayer completely destroys me with his words. Sometimes I wonder if he really does just sit down and write this stuff, or if he has people help him (or just straight out do it for him). He's a genius. I remember hearing an interview from him saying that he got the lyrics to one of his songs as he was walking down the isle of a grocery store. How. Awesome. Is. That.
I'm going to start writing songs again. I know they will suck. I'm still going to do it.
7.01.2009
I'm just sitting here waiting for the first kid to come through the door as I eat this scumpcious chocolate chip Clif Bar. Its amazing that I got to work early this morning, especially considering the fact that instead of setting my alarm on my phone, I did the exact opposite and accidentally put it on silent. Thankfully, my body woke me up at 6am on the dot. I woke up pretty sore from doing P90X (x is for EXTREMEEEE) yesterday, where we did some pretty intense leg excersizes. I had a pretty interesting dream, where I had KNEW that I had a test in Medical Terminology, but I didn't have a book, notes, or even a possible friend that knew what was going to be on the test. As I struggled to find a book, my quest led to me find my roommates all helping one another clean up someone's bed after someone (to be left unnamed) "wet the bed". It was a strage sight, but I continued to find something to help me study. Interestingly enough, I ran into a black woman, a mexican woman, and a white woman. I asked them if they had any information on the test (I know, pretty strange). They said no, and I would soon find out that they were prostitues. End of dream.
Strange. I hate having those school dreams where you know you have something to do, or you are late to school, or there is a deadline. I'm not going to be in school for 7 more months. Interesting how I still stress about grades and deadlines even though my job has neither. Waking up would seem to bring relief to my dreams problem, but in reality, it didn't. I felt stressed out in the morning. As if there was something that needed to be done.
Anyways, first kid came through the door. The twins.
Strange. I hate having those school dreams where you know you have something to do, or you are late to school, or there is a deadline. I'm not going to be in school for 7 more months. Interesting how I still stress about grades and deadlines even though my job has neither. Waking up would seem to bring relief to my dreams problem, but in reality, it didn't. I felt stressed out in the morning. As if there was something that needed to be done.
Anyways, first kid came through the door. The twins.
6.24.2009
Sleep
That was a horrible night of sleep. Tossing and turning, flipping and flopping, I should have just gotten up and done something productive. A bad night of sleep is painful and useless. I'm tired.
The reviews for Transformers 2 are terrible. Scathing. I don't know if I want to see a technomess.
The reviews for Transformers 2 are terrible. Scathing. I don't know if I want to see a technomess.
6.23.2009
Finally, A Real Conversation
Today I had met up with one of my best friends from high school. She came down to Austin to visit, and we had time just to sit and talk. What I thought would just end up being an hour talking, turned into an epic five hour get together. We went to Mozarts, then trekked over to Rudy's. It was great reminiscing on how much has changed since high school, and how much has stayed that same. I had the chance to express all the excitement I had for my trip to Korea, and she was able to tell me all the stories she had of her study abroad experience in Spain. It was a great time to really converse. We talked about everything, from our families to relationships, to school, to the future, to marriage (apparently a few people from my high school are getting married), to just about anything and everything. It was an awesome time for me to feel like someone really cared, and it was nice to really care about what she was going through. It was one of those, "thank God for friends like you" kind of moments. It was a very encouraging time for me, as she reminded me just how able I am to do the things that God has in store for me, and also at the same time, she reminded me of how I'm still learning so much. Bethany is probably one of the coolest friends I have, also the smartest (she was the saluditorian at our high school which is saying a lot). I am so glad that I have friends like her, that I am sure that she would still be my friend, even if I did something horrible, like murder someone. But yeah, it was nice to be able to talk to someone, and have both sides enjoy the conversation. That was refreshing.
Nostalgic
I don't have to sleep ridiculously early tonight due to the fact that my boss graciously gave me the day off. So I decided to blog, since there is apparently nothing better to do, other than play video games (street fighter IV) and watch movies (Harold and Kumar), and since I've had enough of both of those, here I am.
I'm a morning person. That is a pretty known fact, at least to all the people who have been around me at night and have seen me in the morning. The mornings are so pure. I can't even think of a better word for it. I wake up, I take a shower, get into clothes that are clean, eat a clean breakfast, on those special days I can go running, etc etc. The night is highly overrated. I'm sure there are some of you who are laughing at me, saying that I am an old man, but BAH. If the morning is pure, the night is... grimy. I think you can see where I can get that. I'm just a fan of the morning. And everyone knows that nothing good happens after 2am. It is true.
Obviously there is nothing to write about. I'm not feeling emo, so that strikes out the emo post. I'm not feeling excited, that strikes out the overly enthused post. I'm not angry, I'm not worried, I'm not even hungry. I'm pretty much a blank emotion.
I guess if anything, I'm in a very reflective mood.
I had some crazy dream last night, where my boss was pissed that I was late by like 4 hours. Ironically, I got to work this morning and got a call from my boss telling me that she was sick and couldn't come into work, leaving us shorthanded with 17 kids.
I've been thinking a lot about my sophomore year in college, especially since most of the parent's of the kids I work with ask if what grade in high school I am, and me having to explain to them that I really do go to UT and I really am a history major (Do I really look like a high schooler still?!). I realized that a lot has happened this semester. I remember that I wrote a post after my freshman year about the things that I learned. Here are some excerpts.
1. Skipping class was not worth it.
1a. Never take 8am classes unless absolutely necessary, same goes for 9am classes.
2. PCL is not for me.
4. Being a freshman and dating do not mix.
7. Prayer is more important than grades.
8. Sometimes people who you don't expect to teach you something, teach you the most important lessons.
9. People are selfish.
11. People will always have excuses.
12. Surround yourself with loyal people.
15. Major in what you enjoy, not what will make you the most money.
18. I care too much about what people think.
1. I only skipped 3 classes this year. That was a crazy accomplishment. I'm so glad that I chose to go to my classes, I actually started to enjoy them.
1a. I did take 8am and 9am classes. They were fine, since I just chose to be responsible and sleep early enough.
2. PCL still isn't for me, but I'm learning how to enjoy it by myself. I'm not longer playing video games at periodicals. I actually went to the library with JUST a book.
4. I'm not really sure what to think of this. I still think it is somewhat true. But I think I should change it to a "being immature and dating don't mix". I think I need to mature a lot more before I can date again...
7. Wow, reading this broke me. I prayed so freaking much freshman year (I hope that doesn't sound like boasting...) I really enjoyed having prayer walks, I enjoyed just chilling somewhere and talking to God. This year, that pretty much faded. ouch.
8. This one is true. Just leave it at that. I learn so much from the least likely people.
9. I am selfish. Lets leave it at that.
11. I think I know exactly why I wrote this when I wrote it a year ago, but now that I look back, I think that it was a bit harsh. People have reasons for the things they do, not necessarily excuses.
12. I love loyal friends.
15. I accomplished this one. I changed my major this year to History.
18. Ah, I still do care about what people think. So much.
Reading my old blog is sorta funny. hahah.
I overslept.
Not the normal over sleeping. But 7 hours of over sleeping. So here is the story behind my over sleeping.
I had to finish my lab the other night, so I went to bed around 12:30ish. Then went to early morning prayer, which I woke up at 5:15. So I was pretty exhausted through the day. So once I was done with my chem class I was going to go home and take a nap. But that didn't work out just as planned. I ended up talking online for a bit. THEN. I don't remember what happened. I think I fell on my bed, instantly passing out. Because I just woke up.
I missed:
1. Dinner.
2. Prayer meeting
3. Shooting for VA
4. Homework
5. Math TA session
6. The Laker game
I'm so frustrated right now. I woke up with a pretty nasty stomach ache. I don't mean to rant. but I just missed everything.
Haha, that made me laugh. BTW, not going to dallas this weekend. Going the 4th of july weekend. I think i'll be back in austin Sunday hopefully. Lets do something for my birthday. Screw surprises. Lets just all come over to my house, and play a bunch of board games or something. Yeah? Someone think of good party games.
I'm a morning person. That is a pretty known fact, at least to all the people who have been around me at night and have seen me in the morning. The mornings are so pure. I can't even think of a better word for it. I wake up, I take a shower, get into clothes that are clean, eat a clean breakfast, on those special days I can go running, etc etc. The night is highly overrated. I'm sure there are some of you who are laughing at me, saying that I am an old man, but BAH. If the morning is pure, the night is... grimy. I think you can see where I can get that. I'm just a fan of the morning. And everyone knows that nothing good happens after 2am. It is true.
Obviously there is nothing to write about. I'm not feeling emo, so that strikes out the emo post. I'm not feeling excited, that strikes out the overly enthused post. I'm not angry, I'm not worried, I'm not even hungry. I'm pretty much a blank emotion.
I guess if anything, I'm in a very reflective mood.
I had some crazy dream last night, where my boss was pissed that I was late by like 4 hours. Ironically, I got to work this morning and got a call from my boss telling me that she was sick and couldn't come into work, leaving us shorthanded with 17 kids.
I've been thinking a lot about my sophomore year in college, especially since most of the parent's of the kids I work with ask if what grade in high school I am, and me having to explain to them that I really do go to UT and I really am a history major (Do I really look like a high schooler still?!). I realized that a lot has happened this semester. I remember that I wrote a post after my freshman year about the things that I learned. Here are some excerpts.
1. Skipping class was not worth it.
1a. Never take 8am classes unless absolutely necessary, same goes for 9am classes.
2. PCL is not for me.
4. Being a freshman and dating do not mix.
7. Prayer is more important than grades.
8. Sometimes people who you don't expect to teach you something, teach you the most important lessons.
9. People are selfish.
11. People will always have excuses.
12. Surround yourself with loyal people.
15. Major in what you enjoy, not what will make you the most money.
18. I care too much about what people think.
1. I only skipped 3 classes this year. That was a crazy accomplishment. I'm so glad that I chose to go to my classes, I actually started to enjoy them.
1a. I did take 8am and 9am classes. They were fine, since I just chose to be responsible and sleep early enough.
2. PCL still isn't for me, but I'm learning how to enjoy it by myself. I'm not longer playing video games at periodicals. I actually went to the library with JUST a book.
4. I'm not really sure what to think of this. I still think it is somewhat true. But I think I should change it to a "being immature and dating don't mix". I think I need to mature a lot more before I can date again...
7. Wow, reading this broke me. I prayed so freaking much freshman year (I hope that doesn't sound like boasting...) I really enjoyed having prayer walks, I enjoyed just chilling somewhere and talking to God. This year, that pretty much faded. ouch.
8. This one is true. Just leave it at that. I learn so much from the least likely people.
9. I am selfish. Lets leave it at that.
11. I think I know exactly why I wrote this when I wrote it a year ago, but now that I look back, I think that it was a bit harsh. People have reasons for the things they do, not necessarily excuses.
12. I love loyal friends.
15. I accomplished this one. I changed my major this year to History.
18. Ah, I still do care about what people think. So much.
Reading my old blog is sorta funny. hahah.
I overslept.
Not the normal over sleeping. But 7 hours of over sleeping. So here is the story behind my over sleeping.
I had to finish my lab the other night, so I went to bed around 12:30ish. Then went to early morning prayer, which I woke up at 5:15. So I was pretty exhausted through the day. So once I was done with my chem class I was going to go home and take a nap. But that didn't work out just as planned. I ended up talking online for a bit. THEN. I don't remember what happened. I think I fell on my bed, instantly passing out. Because I just woke up.
I missed:
1. Dinner.
2. Prayer meeting
3. Shooting for VA
4. Homework
5. Math TA session
6. The Laker game
I'm so frustrated right now. I woke up with a pretty nasty stomach ache. I don't mean to rant. but I just missed everything.
Haha, that made me laugh. BTW, not going to dallas this weekend. Going the 4th of july weekend. I think i'll be back in austin Sunday hopefully. Lets do something for my birthday. Screw surprises. Lets just all come over to my house, and play a bunch of board games or something. Yeah? Someone think of good party games.
6.21.2009
Feng Shui
I rearrange my room every once in a while. Today was one of those days. I'm actually quite happy with the new layout. I do this a lot. I think it calms me down, or helps me think.
That was a short post.
That was a short post.
6.20.2009
shift key
street fighter IV is freaking awesome.
just at sang gyup sal with harrison, steven, chris kim, and anthony. mucho tasty.
i went fishing/played football/went to arcade/batting cages/lazer tag/buffet/seems like everything possible with the guys from church.
even with all these activities, i feel bored.
i should clean my room.
i'm so lazy, i'm not even using my shift key.
i think we are going ice skating after church. i'm quite excited. i love ice skating.
i wish i could talk to you. that is no lie.
people need to just come together and chill, its the best.
i miss talks about random things.
i never thought ice cubes would evoke memories.
i never thought that bacon cooked as sang gyup sal would make me nostalgic.
i think i am sleep deprived, since i woke up at 6:45 to go fishing.
i think i'm gonna watch a movie soon
ive been doing a good job with my blog.
it has been updated quite often.
i like. i hope you do too.
blogger doesn't tell me how many people see my blog.
it gives me peace of mind sometimes.
especially when i write a long post.
it was crazy when i told grace last night that the next time i would see her would be in korea.
that was a crazy thought.
i'm glad i'm single. i think it would have been constricting if i was dating and i went to korea. i'm glad i dont have to do a long distance relationship. i'm glad i'm single.
hope you have a good night.
just at sang gyup sal with harrison, steven, chris kim, and anthony. mucho tasty.
i went fishing/played football/went to arcade/batting cages/lazer tag/buffet/seems like everything possible with the guys from church.
even with all these activities, i feel bored.
i should clean my room.
i'm so lazy, i'm not even using my shift key.
i think we are going ice skating after church. i'm quite excited. i love ice skating.
i wish i could talk to you. that is no lie.
people need to just come together and chill, its the best.
i miss talks about random things.
i never thought ice cubes would evoke memories.
i never thought that bacon cooked as sang gyup sal would make me nostalgic.
i think i am sleep deprived, since i woke up at 6:45 to go fishing.
i think i'm gonna watch a movie soon
ive been doing a good job with my blog.
it has been updated quite often.
i like. i hope you do too.
blogger doesn't tell me how many people see my blog.
it gives me peace of mind sometimes.
especially when i write a long post.
it was crazy when i told grace last night that the next time i would see her would be in korea.
that was a crazy thought.
i'm glad i'm single. i think it would have been constricting if i was dating and i went to korea. i'm glad i dont have to do a long distance relationship. i'm glad i'm single.
hope you have a good night.
Fights
I have gotten into my share of fights in the past.
With some people these fights are the simple yelling back and forth causing the room to rumble.
With others I have had the silent fights. Fights that drive me insane.
Then there are those select few that, we fight in calm cool voices. The emotions run deep in those fights. Strange, I know.
Problem with fights, is not the fight itself. Those will pass. The problem is the resolution of those fights. Setting aside, who was right and who was wrong in the fight, it is always interesting to see how certain people will respond.
Passive Aggressive People:
The name is an oxymoron. They are passive. But wait! They are aggressive? These people love to let fights go on for months. They seem to have a mindset that, "if I don't say anything, then the problem will go away for now, and I wont have to deal with it till later. This person just deserves silent treatment. I'm not going to call them, I'm not going to write them, I'm not going to use any form of communication. Even if I am in the wrong, but I most definitely am not. The other person should come up to me and apologize. I'm going to just ignore them."
These people don't end fights. They don't care enough to. Things either a) get better with no one saying anything or b) never get better. I don't hate passive aggressive people, I just think that there is a better way to go around doing things. Perhaps a civil conversation as to why they are ignoring and neglecting. Communication is key, because ___insert large percentage here___ of the time fights are started by miscommunication. Passive aggressive people need to talk things out, even though they don't like to at all.
Emotional People:
Logic is thrown out the window. Emotional people, I'm pretty sure that this includes me, like to get all riled up and emotional about something, and then someone ruins their party. Feelings are hurt in some way or another, and the inception of a fight. Emotional people need to just calm down, take time to think clearly, and then do what they want to do by talking to the person about why they are upset. Emotional people usually mute the other person when they are in a fight, because of the fact that at that moment, the only person who is correct is themselves. Emotional people need to cool down. They end fights by storming off in a fit of rage, or by breaking down in tears. Please, just end a fight like an adult. Without screaming and yelling, but again, by using your head.
"Logical" People:
Emotions are stupid. Thats what these wonderful people thing. You got a speeding ticket? It's your fault for speeding, stop crying. In fights these people don't understand why snot is running down your face, they just look at you and think to themselves "what the heck is going on. We were just talking about what we should do about dinner, and then they blew up at me for saying "where ever is fine"... I was being serious, anywhere we eat is fine. This person just gets too emotional all the time. They need to use their head. I can't believe that they are so controlled by their emotions." or "I just said what was on my mind. Those pants do make her butt look huge."
These people have fights usually due to their insensitivity to the strange workings of emotions, or when two logical people find a chink in their flawless logic. Usually fights are not in yells and screams, but rather they are demeaning fights where the goal is to demoralize the opponent till they surrender. Emotions are a large part of what makes us human, so people, please realize that you are not a robot, not everyone is completely "logical". Sometimes emotions get the best of people, be understanding. Don't belittle people.
The People Closest to You:
These fights are the worst. These are the worst kinds of fights, because no matter what, you lose. This most definitely isn't saying that all fights with people you care about are unnecessary, because sometimes, those close to you make stupid mistakes, and they need someone to point it out to them, and yeah that causes strife. I'm saying you lose because it hurts. It always hurts arguing with someone you deeply care about. Point out to them something that they aren't seeing, or just trying to help them correct something. I think the most beautiful thing is when someone realizes that they were wrong, and they come for forgiveness. That is a beautiful thing. The past, then must be forgotten, the fight blotted out from memory. It is over. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It is most necessary for the completion of a fight. It takes humility to ask for forgiveness and humility to realize that forgiveness comes only from God. It is necessary to forgive, it is more necessary to realize that we are in no position over the other person, the only person over that person that has the power to forgive them is God. When Adam blamed Eve for causing him to sin, he was simply trying to get away from the responsibility of his sin, but really, the only person who was able to forgive them was not themselves. They could not simply look at each other and say "Adam, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry that I made you eat the fruit that jacked all of humanity" and "Eve, it's ok! I'm sure that it will all work out!". That would be great for their personal relationship, but guess what, the sin had to be forgiven by God, through Jesus Christ. It is super important to forgive, it is more important to let God forgive.
I had this urge to write a letter to someone, basically telling them "I told you so". It was going to be one of those pride filled letters, basically telling the person how I was right, and how they were wrong. How all the fights that we had in the past were unnecessary and the fact that so many problems stemmed off of their inability to listen to what I was telling them. I was going to.
I'm not, because telling someone "I told you so" isn't the right response. My response is "Thank God, now you can finally move forward. I'm glad you figured it out. I'm glad God's been doing great things in your life."
It's amazing what can happen in two weeks. I went from thinking that I knew where my life was heading. Now, I just sit back and watch God orchestrate the cacaphonous symphony that is my life. No more saying "I'm going to be __________" or "we are going to _________" or even "in five years ______". I'm really going to work on saying "I hope God lets _________" "I trust that God has things undercontrol", "I'm happy where I am now". Its fun to dream of the future, but it is a very dangerous thing to do in my honest opinion.
With some people these fights are the simple yelling back and forth causing the room to rumble.
With others I have had the silent fights. Fights that drive me insane.
Then there are those select few that, we fight in calm cool voices. The emotions run deep in those fights. Strange, I know.
Problem with fights, is not the fight itself. Those will pass. The problem is the resolution of those fights. Setting aside, who was right and who was wrong in the fight, it is always interesting to see how certain people will respond.
Passive Aggressive People:
The name is an oxymoron. They are passive. But wait! They are aggressive? These people love to let fights go on for months. They seem to have a mindset that, "if I don't say anything, then the problem will go away for now, and I wont have to deal with it till later. This person just deserves silent treatment. I'm not going to call them, I'm not going to write them, I'm not going to use any form of communication. Even if I am in the wrong, but I most definitely am not. The other person should come up to me and apologize. I'm going to just ignore them."
These people don't end fights. They don't care enough to. Things either a) get better with no one saying anything or b) never get better. I don't hate passive aggressive people, I just think that there is a better way to go around doing things. Perhaps a civil conversation as to why they are ignoring and neglecting. Communication is key, because ___insert large percentage here___ of the time fights are started by miscommunication. Passive aggressive people need to talk things out, even though they don't like to at all.
Emotional People:
Logic is thrown out the window. Emotional people, I'm pretty sure that this includes me, like to get all riled up and emotional about something, and then someone ruins their party. Feelings are hurt in some way or another, and the inception of a fight. Emotional people need to just calm down, take time to think clearly, and then do what they want to do by talking to the person about why they are upset. Emotional people usually mute the other person when they are in a fight, because of the fact that at that moment, the only person who is correct is themselves. Emotional people need to cool down. They end fights by storming off in a fit of rage, or by breaking down in tears. Please, just end a fight like an adult. Without screaming and yelling, but again, by using your head.
"Logical" People:
Emotions are stupid. Thats what these wonderful people thing. You got a speeding ticket? It's your fault for speeding, stop crying. In fights these people don't understand why snot is running down your face, they just look at you and think to themselves "what the heck is going on. We were just talking about what we should do about dinner, and then they blew up at me for saying "where ever is fine"... I was being serious, anywhere we eat is fine. This person just gets too emotional all the time. They need to use their head. I can't believe that they are so controlled by their emotions." or "I just said what was on my mind. Those pants do make her butt look huge."
These people have fights usually due to their insensitivity to the strange workings of emotions, or when two logical people find a chink in their flawless logic. Usually fights are not in yells and screams, but rather they are demeaning fights where the goal is to demoralize the opponent till they surrender. Emotions are a large part of what makes us human, so people, please realize that you are not a robot, not everyone is completely "logical". Sometimes emotions get the best of people, be understanding. Don't belittle people.
The People Closest to You:
These fights are the worst. These are the worst kinds of fights, because no matter what, you lose. This most definitely isn't saying that all fights with people you care about are unnecessary, because sometimes, those close to you make stupid mistakes, and they need someone to point it out to them, and yeah that causes strife. I'm saying you lose because it hurts. It always hurts arguing with someone you deeply care about. Point out to them something that they aren't seeing, or just trying to help them correct something. I think the most beautiful thing is when someone realizes that they were wrong, and they come for forgiveness. That is a beautiful thing. The past, then must be forgotten, the fight blotted out from memory. It is over. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It is most necessary for the completion of a fight. It takes humility to ask for forgiveness and humility to realize that forgiveness comes only from God. It is necessary to forgive, it is more necessary to realize that we are in no position over the other person, the only person over that person that has the power to forgive them is God. When Adam blamed Eve for causing him to sin, he was simply trying to get away from the responsibility of his sin, but really, the only person who was able to forgive them was not themselves. They could not simply look at each other and say "Adam, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry that I made you eat the fruit that jacked all of humanity" and "Eve, it's ok! I'm sure that it will all work out!". That would be great for their personal relationship, but guess what, the sin had to be forgiven by God, through Jesus Christ. It is super important to forgive, it is more important to let God forgive.
I had this urge to write a letter to someone, basically telling them "I told you so". It was going to be one of those pride filled letters, basically telling the person how I was right, and how they were wrong. How all the fights that we had in the past were unnecessary and the fact that so many problems stemmed off of their inability to listen to what I was telling them. I was going to.
I'm not, because telling someone "I told you so" isn't the right response. My response is "Thank God, now you can finally move forward. I'm glad you figured it out. I'm glad God's been doing great things in your life."
It's amazing what can happen in two weeks. I went from thinking that I knew where my life was heading. Now, I just sit back and watch God orchestrate the cacaphonous symphony that is my life. No more saying "I'm going to be __________" or "we are going to _________" or even "in five years ______". I'm really going to work on saying "I hope God lets _________" "I trust that God has things undercontrol", "I'm happy where I am now". Its fun to dream of the future, but it is a very dangerous thing to do in my honest opinion.
6.18.2009
Rapid Fire
These quick snip bits are fun.
- everyone hates rubberneckers. Even rubberneckers hate rubberneckers. Most rubberneckers don't realize that they are rubberneckers.
- Conan is doing an awesome job with the Tonight Show. I like the format of the show, his monologues are witty and he knows when the jokes go well and when they don't. His guest's have seemed very comfortable because of his overall demeanor. I like Conan, I'm not even going to start the comparison between him and Leno.
- My nose got jacked today while I was playing basketball with the kids at my work. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I have this stupid band-aid on it now.
- I'm very impatient. I want things now. I want to be in Korea now. I want to get paid now. I want it now. God is teaching me patience, in probably the hardest way.
- Kids are crazy, but thankfully even when they are super crazy, I still can't wait to be a father. I know that I will be good at harshly disciplining them without screwing them up for the rest of their lives. I know that I will need the strength that only God can provide, because it is exhausting, but hecka fun.
- Going to go see Year One at midnight with people tonight. Should be fun.
- I have to wake up for work at 6am. :( I'm going to be exhausted.
- I bought a notebook, that I actually am using.
- I hate my handwriting.
- Nothing beats Rice, Spam, Dried Seaweed, and Kimchee. (maybe steak) But it really is the best food when you are starving. I love rice.
- When girls cry, I turn into putty. When little kids cry, my attitude doesn't change (as long as they aren't dangerously hurt).
- I'm getting tan.
- I don't like it that CNN is using facebook and twitter to get news on the Iran Elections. I think that I have had more fun making fun of the news lately. (steven watches the news, and I just sit there and make fun of it)
- People come over to our place to watch movies. Recently the movies that we have picked have been the type of movies that people who watch a lot of movies appreciate. With that being said, watching it with the people that we did, the movies didn't go too well. But it was still fun.
- I found a place to live next year. Pretty close to where Sara and Grace and Angel used to live. Should be nice to live in a 1/1
- Looking for a roommate just for the spring semester.
- If I don't find one it should be fine. (even though some people said I would not do well living on my own, which I disagree with)
- I don't play scrabble anymore. I used to. I just don't. I don't know words like zeroing.
- I baked the cookies I was talking about and had it with the ice cream. It was good and the people I made it for seemed to enjoy. Made me happy.
- I drink a lot of Gatorade. I'm already on my second crate for the summer. Halfway done with the second crate. I should just drink water....
- Going tubing with my church saturday. Sounds like fun.
- I really really want to go to Korea. 1.5 months. I'm excited.
- I have a feeling when I come back from Korea, so many things will be different. So many things.
- Hopefully it gets official that me and grace are at the same city so I don't have to go to all those neat little korean places alone. I'm super excited about going to Korean restaurants and also going to the market and making authentic korean food. I hope I get an apartment in Korea. :) sounds like fun.
- I hope I'm not bored there.
- K. I'm going to make dinner.
6.16.2009
6.15.2009
Memory
WARNING: I just glimpsed over what I wrote, and holy crap, this is an emo sounding post. LOL's. This is why I shouldn't write posts at night. I'm going to post this expecting you to just laugh. So enjoy this laugh.
There is a myth that goldfish have a three second memory (although the more likely answer is that they have close to a three month memory span). I was thinking how wonderful that might be (at the same time, how horrifically disappointing of a life that would lead) especially when memories come and demobilize you, especially in the mornings. Have you ever woken up and just wanted to stay in bed not because you were tired (half of you reading this are probably thinking, "I always want to stay in bed in the morning") but because you were dreaming and your dream was so utterly magnificent, that you wanted to just keep your eyes closed so maybe, just maybe, that dream would continue, and you would be able to fall asleep, and be able to finish that dream. I hate that feeling. When I have a good dream, I want it to just go on until it has a good ending. I hate when good dreams end with the sound of an alarm at 6am. I woke up this morning, not remembering the dream that I just had, but I remember that it was a good one. I just laid there in my bed, somewhat bombarded by memories of the past. I just was there for eight min. Demobilized. I'm sorry that I can't go into to much detail as to what these memories are, but I think you probably can guess. I just chalked it up as a normal monday, and the fact that I was still exhausted from the weekend. I got up and started the normal routine.
I don't like being tired at work. It makes it miserable. I suppose it was my fault that I was tired. I really should sleep before 11 when I have work the next day.
I bought cookie dough and cookie dough ice cream. If you are reading this, come over to my place tomorrow, I'll bake you cookie, feed you ice cream, and we can watch a movie (don't worry, my roommates will be there too ;) ) I think that was my little pick me up.
I think it is pretty set, that next year I will be living in a 1/1 during the spring semester. I think that it should work out pretty well. It will be awesome to have a whole kitchen to myself. One day, I am going to learn how to cook lamb, I want to make lobster, I want to grill some fresh salmon. I do like to cook, I'm not very good, not very good at all, but I enjoy it. I just need to be a little bit cleaner in the kitchen. That's what I learned in my cooking class. I learned how to make Chicken Thai Curry. I'm thankful that my church is offering these classes. Just makes me want to cook every day.
Lakers are NBA champs. I was so proud. I had this feeling that they are going to play a lackluster season next year, but then again, Kobe is a competitor who hates losing more than any other basketball player (he threatened to leave LA when they were sucking). Anyway, I'm glad that Lakers won. All other people need to shut up about how they "hate" the Lakers. Its just a game. If you decide to go ballistic about a sporting event, choose the World Cup. That is worth it to really show your true colors. I do realize that racism is a huge problem in the world cup (they chant at the black players "monkey, monkey, monkey" even if they are playing for their country. I saw a interview from Henry, where he explained the racism he faced in the league, how horrible) But soccer is a great game to watch when the whole country (I'm talking about Korea right here) is all glued to the TV.
ok, for the end of this post is going to be a string of words that are going through my head. sort of like stream of conciousness.
love life live death pain agony defeat broken parylized rehab life live death life death life death life over and over every day until the end until the beginning when its over when the battle is over life is battle life is struggle life is choices making the right choices causes the right outcomes I am excited about the right outcomes I think I am making the right choices even though I feel like I am about to explode because I am so confined I feel like I am about to explode I miss Acts I miss my comfort zone I miss being in a place that I know exactly how I am needed I miss just being myself I miss my friends I am missing a lot of things lately I am not angry at God I am just confused as to what He is planning on doing right now I know that I should rely on those around me but I feel like they wont understand I've been trying so hard to open up but I feel like I don't fit in the way that I am supposed to left out left behind out of the loop lunch was fun I am excited about the fall and winter I am excited that I wont be completely alone I just hope that we become better friends because of the trip I am really vulnerable right now I am thinking that if I saw someone that something would happen in leu of me being so vulnerable I feel like my vulnerability is extremely repeat extremely dangerous I really don't know if I want to post my thoughts on this but this is exactly how I am thinking.
I don't remember a lot of things anymore. I'm starting to forget.
There is a myth that goldfish have a three second memory (although the more likely answer is that they have close to a three month memory span). I was thinking how wonderful that might be (at the same time, how horrifically disappointing of a life that would lead) especially when memories come and demobilize you, especially in the mornings. Have you ever woken up and just wanted to stay in bed not because you were tired (half of you reading this are probably thinking, "I always want to stay in bed in the morning") but because you were dreaming and your dream was so utterly magnificent, that you wanted to just keep your eyes closed so maybe, just maybe, that dream would continue, and you would be able to fall asleep, and be able to finish that dream. I hate that feeling. When I have a good dream, I want it to just go on until it has a good ending. I hate when good dreams end with the sound of an alarm at 6am. I woke up this morning, not remembering the dream that I just had, but I remember that it was a good one. I just laid there in my bed, somewhat bombarded by memories of the past. I just was there for eight min. Demobilized. I'm sorry that I can't go into to much detail as to what these memories are, but I think you probably can guess. I just chalked it up as a normal monday, and the fact that I was still exhausted from the weekend. I got up and started the normal routine.
I don't like being tired at work. It makes it miserable. I suppose it was my fault that I was tired. I really should sleep before 11 when I have work the next day.
I bought cookie dough and cookie dough ice cream. If you are reading this, come over to my place tomorrow, I'll bake you cookie, feed you ice cream, and we can watch a movie (don't worry, my roommates will be there too ;) ) I think that was my little pick me up.
I think it is pretty set, that next year I will be living in a 1/1 during the spring semester. I think that it should work out pretty well. It will be awesome to have a whole kitchen to myself. One day, I am going to learn how to cook lamb, I want to make lobster, I want to grill some fresh salmon. I do like to cook, I'm not very good, not very good at all, but I enjoy it. I just need to be a little bit cleaner in the kitchen. That's what I learned in my cooking class. I learned how to make Chicken Thai Curry. I'm thankful that my church is offering these classes. Just makes me want to cook every day.
Lakers are NBA champs. I was so proud. I had this feeling that they are going to play a lackluster season next year, but then again, Kobe is a competitor who hates losing more than any other basketball player (he threatened to leave LA when they were sucking). Anyway, I'm glad that Lakers won. All other people need to shut up about how they "hate" the Lakers. Its just a game. If you decide to go ballistic about a sporting event, choose the World Cup. That is worth it to really show your true colors. I do realize that racism is a huge problem in the world cup (they chant at the black players "monkey, monkey, monkey" even if they are playing for their country. I saw a interview from Henry, where he explained the racism he faced in the league, how horrible) But soccer is a great game to watch when the whole country (I'm talking about Korea right here) is all glued to the TV.
ok, for the end of this post is going to be a string of words that are going through my head. sort of like stream of conciousness.
love life live death pain agony defeat broken parylized rehab life live death life death life death life over and over every day until the end until the beginning when its over when the battle is over life is battle life is struggle life is choices making the right choices causes the right outcomes I am excited about the right outcomes I think I am making the right choices even though I feel like I am about to explode because I am so confined I feel like I am about to explode I miss Acts I miss my comfort zone I miss being in a place that I know exactly how I am needed I miss just being myself I miss my friends I am missing a lot of things lately I am not angry at God I am just confused as to what He is planning on doing right now I know that I should rely on those around me but I feel like they wont understand I've been trying so hard to open up but I feel like I don't fit in the way that I am supposed to left out left behind out of the loop lunch was fun I am excited about the fall and winter I am excited that I wont be completely alone I just hope that we become better friends because of the trip I am really vulnerable right now I am thinking that if I saw someone that something would happen in leu of me being so vulnerable I feel like my vulnerability is extremely repeat extremely dangerous I really don't know if I want to post my thoughts on this but this is exactly how I am thinking.
I don't remember a lot of things anymore. I'm starting to forget.
6.12.2009
AC is fixed. Thank you God.
Watching Gran Torino tonight with whoever wants to.
I'm pretty exhausted from ICE SKATING with my kids. I love getting paid to do things that I would pay for. I seriously would have paid to do what we did today. I really think I am ready to be a father now, especially after this job. Making sure the laces were tight enough. Playing around, but at the same time, making sure that there is order and peace. It is a new feeling being the person in charge of the kids, rather than being the kid. I think I'm doing a good job.
The best feeling on the job is when the parents find me and say "are you jeremy? My son/daughter loves you so much. They are your number one fan. They love to come because of you" Such a great feeling. Makes me want to play and work so much harder with the kids. I know that they look up to me, and I've been praying for each one of them recently, and I hope that I can impact their lives. Even the trouble kids are starting to grow on me. OH, and I no longer have to think about which twin is which. Its nice to know the difference between identical twins.
Fun stuff. Now I shower off all the sweat and dirt I accumulate because of my wonderful job. I hope korea is this much fun. OH, and I work 40 hour weeks here, and its not bad at all. In Korea.. I work 3 hour days. So 15 hours a week. Oh goodness. I'm going to have so much free time. I'm going to run in Korea. I'm gonna run with my spare time.
I'm happy right now. Even though, deep down. Something is missing.
Watching Gran Torino tonight with whoever wants to.
I'm pretty exhausted from ICE SKATING with my kids. I love getting paid to do things that I would pay for. I seriously would have paid to do what we did today. I really think I am ready to be a father now, especially after this job. Making sure the laces were tight enough. Playing around, but at the same time, making sure that there is order and peace. It is a new feeling being the person in charge of the kids, rather than being the kid. I think I'm doing a good job.
The best feeling on the job is when the parents find me and say "are you jeremy? My son/daughter loves you so much. They are your number one fan. They love to come because of you" Such a great feeling. Makes me want to play and work so much harder with the kids. I know that they look up to me, and I've been praying for each one of them recently, and I hope that I can impact their lives. Even the trouble kids are starting to grow on me. OH, and I no longer have to think about which twin is which. Its nice to know the difference between identical twins.
Fun stuff. Now I shower off all the sweat and dirt I accumulate because of my wonderful job. I hope korea is this much fun. OH, and I work 40 hour weeks here, and its not bad at all. In Korea.. I work 3 hour days. So 15 hours a week. Oh goodness. I'm going to have so much free time. I'm going to run in Korea. I'm gonna run with my spare time.
I'm happy right now. Even though, deep down. Something is missing.
HOT
Our air conditioner broke after the storm last night. It is freaking hot. I didn't sleep very well since it's so hot and muggy in our place. GAHHHHHHH
Lakers won. Mikael Pietrus went caveman on the caveman (Gasol). Fish was as clutch as you can get. I think, Kobe is ready for another explosion game, either game 5 or game 6. I don't mind if LA loses game 5. I want the cheers for LA, I want the confetti, I want the reaction of Jack. So Lakers, play hard game 5 to not be embarassed, but don't worry, you can bring it home for a game 6, maybe even a game 7, because the world knows you are the best team in the NBA this year. So you can go out in style, you deserve it. You better not choke, I don't want to be like the Mavs.
I wonder what they do for the stanley cup, when they run out of room to write the teams name on. I would really like to see the Pens win a cup, I like Malkin and Crosby. But it is unlikely to happen...
Best Closer in Sports: Tiger Woods.
I'm taking a cooking class tonight. My church is offereing the class, and I'm pretty stoked about it. I say people come over to my place, and we have a party. The classes last like seven weeks. So I guess that means before I leave for Korea, we gotta eat.
And no, I still haven't heard from the TaLK program yet. :(
I am getting more and more excited about Korea every day. I think I'm going to have a blast. Grace and me were talking about churches in Korea, going to different cities, eating food, and all the other greatness. I'm excited. I just better get in.
It is still freaking hot.
Lakers won. Mikael Pietrus went caveman on the caveman (Gasol). Fish was as clutch as you can get. I think, Kobe is ready for another explosion game, either game 5 or game 6. I don't mind if LA loses game 5. I want the cheers for LA, I want the confetti, I want the reaction of Jack. So Lakers, play hard game 5 to not be embarassed, but don't worry, you can bring it home for a game 6, maybe even a game 7, because the world knows you are the best team in the NBA this year. So you can go out in style, you deserve it. You better not choke, I don't want to be like the Mavs.
I wonder what they do for the stanley cup, when they run out of room to write the teams name on. I would really like to see the Pens win a cup, I like Malkin and Crosby. But it is unlikely to happen...
Best Closer in Sports: Tiger Woods.
I'm taking a cooking class tonight. My church is offereing the class, and I'm pretty stoked about it. I say people come over to my place, and we have a party. The classes last like seven weeks. So I guess that means before I leave for Korea, we gotta eat.
And no, I still haven't heard from the TaLK program yet. :(
I am getting more and more excited about Korea every day. I think I'm going to have a blast. Grace and me were talking about churches in Korea, going to different cities, eating food, and all the other greatness. I'm excited. I just better get in.
It is still freaking hot.
6.10.2009
all play no work
This will probably be a quick post since I'm at work using their computer.
- Lakers lost. Which is fine with me. I dont mind being up 2-1. There is no way (well at least I hope) that LA will lost all three in Orlando. And even if they do, there is no way (NO WAY) that Orlando would steal home court. The Lakers won't choke.
- Work is fun. The kids are starting to respect me. I'm no longer seen by them as the new guy. Which is great since it is my third day of work. Kids have a very short attention span, so I knew I wasn't going to be the new guy for long.
- Waking up at 6am ever morning is not that bad, as long as I go to bed before midnight.
- I guess I really don't have that much to blog about.
- Today we are going to have a picnic at the elementary school.
- Maybe meeting up with Grace for lunch again today.
- I really hope I get into the Korean program... they take so long to figure things out.
- I want to go to the movie theater. I just want to sit in a nice movie theater chair, not have to worry about anything but that dang screen for a few hours.
That's it for now. Back to work.
6.08.2009
Chronicals of Pickfair (CoP 1)
Here are a few conversations that occurred today, that might give you a glimpse as to how much I love my new job at Pickfair Community Center.
Kid A: OMG!!! Did you watch family guy last night?
Kid B: YEAHHHHH
Kid A: I LOVE PETERRR
Kid B: My Dad likes Brian. He's the smart one, even though he is a dog.
Kid A: I like the Baby. He's so evil. Remember the episode where the mom tries to kill him?
Kid B: Yeahahahahaha
Kid A: I think Family Guy is hilarious. The Baby is hilarious. Peter is hilarious.
Kid B: Yeah! Lets throw lego's in the air randomly to show this counselor guy Jeremy just how excited we are about Family Guy. WHOOOOPEEE!
(the last line wasn't verbalized but they for sure did it)
Girl A: What's your name?
Me: Jeremy.
Girl A: AHHHHH!!!!! [piercing scream]
Me: ?!??!?!
Girl B: Oh, she doesn't like you very much.
Girl A: I HATE YOU!
Me: ?!?!?!?!
Girl A: I will kill you.
Me: Oh, please don't say that. That's not a nice thing to say.
Girl A: I'm going to name you, Big Booty.
Girl A: HI BIG BOOTY!
Girl A: I HATE YOU!
(not a joke)
[When given the topic, what is your favorite toy]
Kid A: My Xbox
Kid B: I really like to play with dolls.
Kid C: When I'm older I'm going to buy a gun.
Kid D: A gun isn't a toy!!!
Kid C: YESSS IT IS.
Me: ?!?!?!??
Kid A: You want to play a game?
Me: umm.. sure
Kid A: its called scorpion.
Me:......
Kid A: Give me your hand.
Kid A: watch me dig my fingernails into your hand.
Me: that doesn't hurt.
Kid A: REALLY?!?!? It usually makes people cry.
Me: Why do you play games that make people cry.
Kid A: BECAUSE ITS FUN!
[I actually have fingernail scratches on my hand now...]
Kid A: I don't remember your name. I'm going to call you YIN-YANG
Me: My name is Jeremy.
Kid A: Jermy? NO. Your name is YIN-YANG
Me: ........
As I wrote down the memorable conversations that I had from my first day of work. I realized that all these stories revolve around two kids. The rest of the kids are pretty normal kids. They are hyper and fun, which makes my job so wonderful, no lie. But there are two kids, that are like out to get me. But I'm sure that I will be able to handle the little demons. One is a boy, and the other a girl. If they ever, ever procreated with one another, I think the world would be one step closer to implosion.
Crazy kids.
In all reality, I love my new job. It is such a blessing that I get paid to play all day with kids. We have a lot of fun. It was a great feeling when I was getting ready to leave because my shift was over when the kids came up to me and asked me not to leave because they liked me a lot. I just reassured them that I would be back tomorrow, and they all cheered. What a great feeling. Even those two little demons were happy to know that I'll be back all summer (most likely so that they could torture me all summer, in the heat, which must remind them of the place that they were spawned) Kids are great.
Kid A: OMG!!! Did you watch family guy last night?
Kid B: YEAHHHHH
Kid A: I LOVE PETERRR
Kid B: My Dad likes Brian. He's the smart one, even though he is a dog.
Kid A: I like the Baby. He's so evil. Remember the episode where the mom tries to kill him?
Kid B: Yeahahahahaha
Kid A: I think Family Guy is hilarious. The Baby is hilarious. Peter is hilarious.
Kid B: Yeah! Lets throw lego's in the air randomly to show this counselor guy Jeremy just how excited we are about Family Guy. WHOOOOPEEE!
(the last line wasn't verbalized but they for sure did it)
Girl A: What's your name?
Me: Jeremy.
Girl A: AHHHHH!!!!! [piercing scream]
Me: ?!??!?!
Girl B: Oh, she doesn't like you very much.
Girl A: I HATE YOU!
Me: ?!?!?!?!
Girl A: I will kill you.
Me: Oh, please don't say that. That's not a nice thing to say.
Girl A: I'm going to name you, Big Booty.
Girl A: HI BIG BOOTY!
Girl A: I HATE YOU!
(not a joke)
[When given the topic, what is your favorite toy]
Kid A: My Xbox
Kid B: I really like to play with dolls.
Kid C: When I'm older I'm going to buy a gun.
Kid D: A gun isn't a toy!!!
Kid C: YESSS IT IS.
Me: ?!?!?!??
Kid A: You want to play a game?
Me: umm.. sure
Kid A: its called scorpion.
Me:......
Kid A: Give me your hand.
Kid A: watch me dig my fingernails into your hand.
Me: that doesn't hurt.
Kid A: REALLY?!?!? It usually makes people cry.
Me: Why do you play games that make people cry.
Kid A: BECAUSE ITS FUN!
[I actually have fingernail scratches on my hand now...]
Kid A: I don't remember your name. I'm going to call you YIN-YANG
Me: My name is Jeremy.
Kid A: Jermy? NO. Your name is YIN-YANG
Me: ........
As I wrote down the memorable conversations that I had from my first day of work. I realized that all these stories revolve around two kids. The rest of the kids are pretty normal kids. They are hyper and fun, which makes my job so wonderful, no lie. But there are two kids, that are like out to get me. But I'm sure that I will be able to handle the little demons. One is a boy, and the other a girl. If they ever, ever procreated with one another, I think the world would be one step closer to implosion.
Crazy kids.
In all reality, I love my new job. It is such a blessing that I get paid to play all day with kids. We have a lot of fun. It was a great feeling when I was getting ready to leave because my shift was over when the kids came up to me and asked me not to leave because they liked me a lot. I just reassured them that I would be back tomorrow, and they all cheered. What a great feeling. Even those two little demons were happy to know that I'll be back all summer (most likely so that they could torture me all summer, in the heat, which must remind them of the place that they were spawned) Kids are great.
6.07.2009
Randall's
went grocery shopping at Randall's today instead of HEB. I think I'm going to continue going to Randall's because it is closer to my apartment and its not THAT much more expensive. It is more expensive, but the workers actually smile at you, there aren't a bazillion people, the shelves are nice and neat, it is smaller, but it has everything I need.
Thankfully my church is going to start having services on Sunday at 11, instead of 4pm. It feels like most of my Sunday morning is just lulling around, doing nothing, it feels so weird going to church at 4pm. That was just a thought.
I'm just waiting right now, for something to happen. Its like when you watch those movies where the dude is stranded in the sea, and then he goes through a vicious storm. Once the storm passes, he either ends up stranded on an island, or he gets rescued. I just passed the vicious storm, but the question is, am I going to be stranded or rescued. Sorry for being so cryptic. Life is cryptic sometimes.
I'm not used to having guys probe in my life. It was a strange feeling. I think that is a necessary thing. Living independently is quite dangerous. People do bad things when they are left alone.
I've been reading a lot of verses lately. Honestly, I feel so constrained sometimes. It is so impossible. Especially when Paul lists a bunch of stuff that we shouldn't be, I pretty much just look at that list now and me like "yeah I lust, yeah I have anger, yeah I am not self controlled," etc. etc. Again, another reason I am just waiting to see if I am stranded or saved.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get the nasty ones with the pink crap on the inside.
I don't like having to block people on AIM and on Facebook. I don't. But I must admit, sometimes it is necessary.
God does answer prayers. It's pretty amazing. I was praying for a new church. God gave me a new church, an amazing church, with brothers and sisters that really keep my accountable. I asked God make me broken again, and guess what, he broke me in such a new way, that I'm sorta paralyzed right now. Yeah, God, just save me.
I'm doing good though. Really enjoying cooking. Taking a class through my church this friday. They are going to teach me the basics of cooking. Which will be awesome. I need to improve my knife skills for sure.
Going to start working soon. My schedule is pretty packed. 7:15-3:15 monday-friday. Hopefully I can make some money so I can go to Korea and shop a bit.
I feel like I can properly take care of kids. haha. Training taught me a lot, but most of it was common sense. Like, make sure that you have all of your kids before you leave for a fieldtrip. Or like, if two kids get in a fight, break it up and then call their parents, and file an incident report. Lols. Incident reports. Geez, working for the city has got that engraved into my head. If anything happens out of the ordinary, then you have to file an incident report. If Johnny eats a bug, incident report. If Kyle goes into the girls restroom, incident report. If Susie pushes little Billy, incident report. Little kids will be tiresome, but BRING IT.
Thankfully, I work the morning shift, so the kids aren't too hard to handle. Most of them don't get their till like 8:30 anyways, so from 7:30-9, I make sure that they play board games like good little kids. Then from 9-12 we either go to the pool, or we play different games and whatnot. Then we have lunch. Then we play more games. Then I go home. I don't have to hassle with checking the kids out or making sure that they are completely occupied for the whole day. Nice.
For those of you who care, I like blogger, because you can make more than one blog and then make the entire blog private. I don't have to click private on each post, I just make a blog, and then I can use it as a personal journal. I don't have to worry about accidentally pressing public, and then the whole world gets to see my inner thoughts. oooooo
well that was fun.
Thankfully my church is going to start having services on Sunday at 11, instead of 4pm. It feels like most of my Sunday morning is just lulling around, doing nothing, it feels so weird going to church at 4pm. That was just a thought.
I'm just waiting right now, for something to happen. Its like when you watch those movies where the dude is stranded in the sea, and then he goes through a vicious storm. Once the storm passes, he either ends up stranded on an island, or he gets rescued. I just passed the vicious storm, but the question is, am I going to be stranded or rescued. Sorry for being so cryptic. Life is cryptic sometimes.
I'm not used to having guys probe in my life. It was a strange feeling. I think that is a necessary thing. Living independently is quite dangerous. People do bad things when they are left alone.
I've been reading a lot of verses lately. Honestly, I feel so constrained sometimes. It is so impossible. Especially when Paul lists a bunch of stuff that we shouldn't be, I pretty much just look at that list now and me like "yeah I lust, yeah I have anger, yeah I am not self controlled," etc. etc. Again, another reason I am just waiting to see if I am stranded or saved.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get the nasty ones with the pink crap on the inside.
I don't like having to block people on AIM and on Facebook. I don't. But I must admit, sometimes it is necessary.
God does answer prayers. It's pretty amazing. I was praying for a new church. God gave me a new church, an amazing church, with brothers and sisters that really keep my accountable. I asked God make me broken again, and guess what, he broke me in such a new way, that I'm sorta paralyzed right now. Yeah, God, just save me.
I'm doing good though. Really enjoying cooking. Taking a class through my church this friday. They are going to teach me the basics of cooking. Which will be awesome. I need to improve my knife skills for sure.
Going to start working soon. My schedule is pretty packed. 7:15-3:15 monday-friday. Hopefully I can make some money so I can go to Korea and shop a bit.
I feel like I can properly take care of kids. haha. Training taught me a lot, but most of it was common sense. Like, make sure that you have all of your kids before you leave for a fieldtrip. Or like, if two kids get in a fight, break it up and then call their parents, and file an incident report. Lols. Incident reports. Geez, working for the city has got that engraved into my head. If anything happens out of the ordinary, then you have to file an incident report. If Johnny eats a bug, incident report. If Kyle goes into the girls restroom, incident report. If Susie pushes little Billy, incident report. Little kids will be tiresome, but BRING IT.
Thankfully, I work the morning shift, so the kids aren't too hard to handle. Most of them don't get their till like 8:30 anyways, so from 7:30-9, I make sure that they play board games like good little kids. Then from 9-12 we either go to the pool, or we play different games and whatnot. Then we have lunch. Then we play more games. Then I go home. I don't have to hassle with checking the kids out or making sure that they are completely occupied for the whole day. Nice.
For those of you who care, I like blogger, because you can make more than one blog and then make the entire blog private. I don't have to click private on each post, I just make a blog, and then I can use it as a personal journal. I don't have to worry about accidentally pressing public, and then the whole world gets to see my inner thoughts. oooooo
well that was fun.
6.06.2009
Amputation
30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. - matt 5:30
8If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. - matt 18:8
43If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.
45And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. -mark 9:43 45
These verses never meant much to me until recently. There have been parts of my life that have caused me to sin. At least they were parts that tempted me or even facilitated the sin. This passage was given to me as a way to reassure that removing the specific part is biblical. Is the hand bad? No. God gives us hands to use. It is once the hand fails to be its God intended purpose that we must amputate it. Do I think that Jesus was being literal when he said cut your off your hands if they cause you to sin? Yeah. But in my case, it is not my hands that I am cutting off. There are times where I look at my life and I think, I don't want to give that up because if I don't have that my life would be so empty. The real question is to ask, is if that something is causing you to sin. That is the real question. I know for some people this can be movies, music, television, friends, video games, boyfriends, girlfriends, and so on and so forth. As for me, who knows. I do know that amputation hurts.
Today, I had a great conversation and time of confession with an older brother from my church. He basically told me that he wants to pray with me, that he wants to help me pray for repentance, and that he would be there for me because that is what the church is for. The church is for people to confess their deep dark secrets. That is the truth. Because it is in the dark that Satan can do some pretty nasty things. The dark is where he loves to prowl. The dark is where he starts lies. Satan hates the light. So that is where I choose to live.
No more backsliding. No more hiding. It is time to live a transparent life. I have come to terms that yes, I am the biggest hypocrite in the church. I know this and I am praying that God will work on it in my heart. I realize that I also am extremely prideful, thinking that my problems are insignificant in comparison to those around me when in fact my problems are just as big and most of the time bigger. I have problems. Lots of them.
The guy I had a conversation with gave me a book, that I hope I will read, that goes through the repentance prayer in parallel to the one that David prays.
So, I know this is a lot of italicized text, but this is my prayer. Psalm 51
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts a]">[a] ;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
6.05.2009
An Oath
I have resolved that no matter how I feel about this blog, or journal, whatever you call it, that I will not erase it, delete it, remove it, or fail to update regularly. I lean to my rational side and know that it is highly unlikely that the upkeep of this site and the constant update on my life or my current thoughts will soon fade away like all my previous blogs (xanga, livejournal, wordpress). Nevertheless, I will use this thing. I think it is one of the most intristing things to go back and read your own writing. It is like looking in a picture from an event that is out of your memory. You start to read and you notice how your writing has either improved or how it is impressive how well you wrote. For the most part, the ideas that are expressed in a journal are the ones that hit the hardest.
For all of you that keep up a blog concerning your personal life, you know that there were times where you just HAD to blog about a certain person, or that you HAD to express how frustrated you were in a situation. I think that reading those posts 3 months, 6 months, a year later, brings about a embarassment, almost as if to say "geez, I was being pretty crazy" or even the opposite effect may occur. Whatever the case may be, reading old posts is always interesting if not amusing. Hence the reason why I am starting this up, and giving an oath to keep it.
I doubt that my life is interesting enough for people to follow along, post after post, reading on and on about my latest thought or interets, but this isn't for your entertainment, it is for mine. If you enjoy reading my thoughts and musings, you are welcome to feast your eyes on what I have to offer, but if you find my life mundane, please just continue on, go to digg.com, facebook your friends, buy something on woot, I don't know do something, but please, please, don't read this blog unless you find it interesting. The worst thing would be for someone to be reading this blog just mumbling to themselves "what an idiot this Jeremy is. I wonder how many time's his mother dropped him when he was a baby. " because infact I think that reflects more poorly on my mother's ability to raise me.
We all have our need to express ourselves. Some people talk to their friends. Some play sports to let out that need of expression. Some need music. Some need pets. Some need journals.
Let's just say, here is a key to my private journal. I might use some facade's here and there, some veiled statements, some fake names, so that the truth can stay innocent and not start gossip. This site is not Perez Hilton.
I am not here to say that I am interesting.
I'm just Jeremy.
For all of you that keep up a blog concerning your personal life, you know that there were times where you just HAD to blog about a certain person, or that you HAD to express how frustrated you were in a situation. I think that reading those posts 3 months, 6 months, a year later, brings about a embarassment, almost as if to say "geez, I was being pretty crazy" or even the opposite effect may occur. Whatever the case may be, reading old posts is always interesting if not amusing. Hence the reason why I am starting this up, and giving an oath to keep it.
I doubt that my life is interesting enough for people to follow along, post after post, reading on and on about my latest thought or interets, but this isn't for your entertainment, it is for mine. If you enjoy reading my thoughts and musings, you are welcome to feast your eyes on what I have to offer, but if you find my life mundane, please just continue on, go to digg.com, facebook your friends, buy something on woot, I don't know do something, but please, please, don't read this blog unless you find it interesting. The worst thing would be for someone to be reading this blog just mumbling to themselves "what an idiot this Jeremy is. I wonder how many time's his mother dropped him when he was a baby. " because infact I think that reflects more poorly on my mother's ability to raise me.
We all have our need to express ourselves. Some people talk to their friends. Some play sports to let out that need of expression. Some need music. Some need pets. Some need journals.
Let's just say, here is a key to my private journal. I might use some facade's here and there, some veiled statements, some fake names, so that the truth can stay innocent and not start gossip. This site is not Perez Hilton.
I am not here to say that I am interesting.
I'm just Jeremy.
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