7.29.2009
7.21.2009
The Loss of a Friend
I just finished an hour and half conversation with one of my roommates. Thank God for them. Seriously, because I was going in a hysterical fit, and I most definitely needed someone to calm me down. I find myself very calm at this moment.
I lost a friend tonight. Not to cancer, not to illness, not to distance, not to death, not to misunderstanding, not to a single event, but rather, a series of unfortunate events.
I lost a friend, not because I did something wrong, not because they did something wrong, but because we were just not meant to be friends. I can barely type that sentence without cringing as to how utterly horrible that sounds. We were not meant to be friends.
I lost a friend because it simply was not meant to be. I've never had someone tell me this so calmly and coldly as someone did tonight. I'm sure for those of you who know me in the flesh, can guess on the first try as to who I am speaking of, and you are probably right. This person and I have had our shares of problems since freshman and sophomore year, we have had our disagreements, we have even had our good times, but all in all, it was a friendship that I still cherish, even though it is all done and over with.
I've never had someone tell me that they no longer wanted to be friends because "who you are" and "who I am" just "will never work out".
It almost sounds like a break up. A very very very harsh break up.
That is how I treated it. I paced my apartment, grunting, making sounds, saying words that I shouldn't have said, flailing my arms in apprehension, wanting somehow to let off the steam that was building up in my chest.
Thankfully, my chest didn't explode, but slowly released the pressure, over a hour and a half conversation.
I lost a friend tonight. I'm not very happy about it. I think I understand it a little better as to why I lost a friend tonight.
If this post sounds emo, it is. I am emotional after losing a close friend of mine, deal with it.
I'm not perfect, I'm sure that I've hurt someone just as much as someone hurt me tonight. Tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. Just know that I too, am learning
I lost a friend tonight. Not to cancer, not to illness, not to distance, not to death, not to misunderstanding, not to a single event, but rather, a series of unfortunate events.
I lost a friend, not because I did something wrong, not because they did something wrong, but because we were just not meant to be friends. I can barely type that sentence without cringing as to how utterly horrible that sounds. We were not meant to be friends.
I lost a friend because it simply was not meant to be. I've never had someone tell me this so calmly and coldly as someone did tonight. I'm sure for those of you who know me in the flesh, can guess on the first try as to who I am speaking of, and you are probably right. This person and I have had our shares of problems since freshman and sophomore year, we have had our disagreements, we have even had our good times, but all in all, it was a friendship that I still cherish, even though it is all done and over with.
I've never had someone tell me that they no longer wanted to be friends because "who you are" and "who I am" just "will never work out".
It almost sounds like a break up. A very very very harsh break up.
That is how I treated it. I paced my apartment, grunting, making sounds, saying words that I shouldn't have said, flailing my arms in apprehension, wanting somehow to let off the steam that was building up in my chest.
Thankfully, my chest didn't explode, but slowly released the pressure, over a hour and a half conversation.
I lost a friend tonight. I'm not very happy about it. I think I understand it a little better as to why I lost a friend tonight.
If this post sounds emo, it is. I am emotional after losing a close friend of mine, deal with it.
I'm not perfect, I'm sure that I've hurt someone just as much as someone hurt me tonight. Tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. Just know that I too, am learning
7.20.2009
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sometimes there are just no words to express the feeling.
sometimes there are just no words to express the feeling.
7.16.2009
Rethinking Relationship
I remember hearing this idea that the reason why humans strive to gain personal relationships is because, the more people we believe truly "know" us, the more self actualized we become. The reason why people aim for fame, power, money is primarily so that people will notice them and in turn, the individual will become more real and self actualized. In laymen terms, the more people know you, know of you, are affected by you, the better you feel and the more happiness you experience. The reason why we don't all have thousands of friends is because of the fact that there is a lot of cost in having friendships, there is time, money, effort, and all the other wonderful things that it costs to have someone as a friend. You cannot be friends with everyone, but you can try if you have enough resources. The more friends you have, the more "real" you are. Have you heard the phrase, "I think, therefore I am"? This is basically saying "They like me, therefore I am". Celebrities find fame a drug, that helps them realize that they truly are worth something. Millionaires find that their money proves that they have reached the top. Kings and emperors, know that thousands of people are at their disposal, therefore making them almighty.
I suppose the point I bring up this theory, is two fold. The fact that people are so enthralled with relationships. Be it friendship, be it a rival, be it an enemy, or even a love interest. People are consumed by relationships. Why do you think Facebook is so popular? It is easy access into thousands (maybe millions if you are super popular) of people's lives at the touch of a button. Friendships are so easy these days (I say this is slight sarcasm, as I view the online aspect of relationships as a sad facade in comparison to the real depth you can achieve through a simple meeting face to face). And secondly, because I am so enthralled by relationships, and I find it disturbing. I find it hard to believe when someone infers that I am not their friend "just because, not because you did anything wrong, but just because". I find it intriguing when couples form, and even more intriguing as to the reasons they stay together (or reasons for the opposite). I find friendships to be an even more curious beast, as they can be as simple as knowing someone from a class, to someone you can call up to go play basketball with (at any hour of day or night).
I suppose that this discussion would be much more interesting with charts and graphs, but I am too lazy. But I do have in mind what it could possibly look like.
Relationships are so enjoyable (sometimes even the negative relationships, such as a heated rivalry) but they come at costs (as mentioned before). So if the relationship has more enjoyment than costs, obviously that relationship should continue.
I think that although it is a very sound argument as to why people continue their relationships, I think there is a large factor that most people forget when thinking of relationships.
God.
Cliche. I know.
My mind is spinning, that is for sure, as to what the importance of human-human relationships are, and what they are good for, but one thing is clear.
The God-Man relationship, is a relationship in which God is the good, and man is the endless disappointment.
I think I have come to sort of a revelation as to why God supports human-human relationship.
When we are in relation with God, benefit comes to both sides. God is glorified and Man is purified. When we are in relation with one another, benefit SHOULD come to both sides (I think it should still be God is glorified, Man is purified, but it is doubly benefited rather than singularly).
The questions of the day are (at least for myself), if a relationship is not conducive to glorifying God, is it a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is self satisfying is that a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is "neutral" in its benefits, is that a relationship worth seeking? Can God use relationships to show something about himself?
Some of the answers should be obvious, and for those of you who don't believe in a God, or don't believe that God is perfect, I suppose some of these questions would change.
We all love relationship, that is a truth, we all need relationship. But what is a healthy relationship? Is God even a part of a healthy relationship, Is God the center of a healthy relationship?
(I really do try to make this a broader meaning of the term relationship, more than the "bf/gf" that we are so commonly used to)
I'm currently working on my God-Man relationship (not that I wont be working on it later, just that, I don't see how a girlfriend fits in this picture, at least not yet)
I suppose the point I bring up this theory, is two fold. The fact that people are so enthralled with relationships. Be it friendship, be it a rival, be it an enemy, or even a love interest. People are consumed by relationships. Why do you think Facebook is so popular? It is easy access into thousands (maybe millions if you are super popular) of people's lives at the touch of a button. Friendships are so easy these days (I say this is slight sarcasm, as I view the online aspect of relationships as a sad facade in comparison to the real depth you can achieve through a simple meeting face to face). And secondly, because I am so enthralled by relationships, and I find it disturbing. I find it hard to believe when someone infers that I am not their friend "just because, not because you did anything wrong, but just because". I find it intriguing when couples form, and even more intriguing as to the reasons they stay together (or reasons for the opposite). I find friendships to be an even more curious beast, as they can be as simple as knowing someone from a class, to someone you can call up to go play basketball with (at any hour of day or night).
I suppose that this discussion would be much more interesting with charts and graphs, but I am too lazy. But I do have in mind what it could possibly look like.
Relationships are so enjoyable (sometimes even the negative relationships, such as a heated rivalry) but they come at costs (as mentioned before). So if the relationship has more enjoyment than costs, obviously that relationship should continue.
I think that although it is a very sound argument as to why people continue their relationships, I think there is a large factor that most people forget when thinking of relationships.
God.
Cliche. I know.
My mind is spinning, that is for sure, as to what the importance of human-human relationships are, and what they are good for, but one thing is clear.
The God-Man relationship, is a relationship in which God is the good, and man is the endless disappointment.
I think I have come to sort of a revelation as to why God supports human-human relationship.
When we are in relation with God, benefit comes to both sides. God is glorified and Man is purified. When we are in relation with one another, benefit SHOULD come to both sides (I think it should still be God is glorified, Man is purified, but it is doubly benefited rather than singularly).
The questions of the day are (at least for myself), if a relationship is not conducive to glorifying God, is it a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is self satisfying is that a relationship worth seeking? If the relationship is "neutral" in its benefits, is that a relationship worth seeking? Can God use relationships to show something about himself?
Some of the answers should be obvious, and for those of you who don't believe in a God, or don't believe that God is perfect, I suppose some of these questions would change.
We all love relationship, that is a truth, we all need relationship. But what is a healthy relationship? Is God even a part of a healthy relationship, Is God the center of a healthy relationship?
(I really do try to make this a broader meaning of the term relationship, more than the "bf/gf" that we are so commonly used to)
I'm currently working on my God-Man relationship (not that I wont be working on it later, just that, I don't see how a girlfriend fits in this picture, at least not yet)
7.15.2009
Joy Kill
Sin kills joy.
Let me rephrase.
Sin is enjoyable in the present, but its lasting effects bring about pain and suffering.
Sin kills joy.
I think I fail to remember that my life is much better off when I choose to do the things that I am already supposed to do. When I go off tangent from what I am supposed to do, that is when I find myself stumbling down a road full of rocks and those annoying spiky balls that always seem to get stuck in the weirdest places. So let me tell you, I am on a mission to stay as far as possible from anything that would lead me to destroy my joy.
I need to protect my joy. I need to protect myself.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew exactly what the WRONG thing to do was, and it was on your mind the entire time, but somehow, by the grace of God you were able to do the right thing? Doing the right thing is not easy. I guess thats how things are. I really really really wanted to do the wrong thing today, but in my heart, I knew what the right thing was, and I did it.
I wish I could have done the right thing the first time around, then maybe I wouldn't have had my joy killed like it is. But its too late, and I'm sure that God can restore my joy. I was happy for a while, but honestly, screw being happy, I want the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
Sin kills joy. I've been the worst sinner of them all (which is an exaggeration since we are all freaking horrible sinners, but honestly, I've been a pretty jacked up Christian), and its time for me to really ask for repentance for whats been going down in my life.
I need to work on a lot of things.
1. It is impossible to win an argument. Even if you win, you lose. It is possible to have a good discussion (just to clarify).
2. Compliments are much more powerful than critiques. I am definitely in need of complimenting people more.
3. There are power in my words. Especially love, hate, forever, never, always, and all the other words that express unwavering emotion.
4. I need more patience.
5. When people bother me, I need to find a way to make it so they don't bother me... I don't know how to do this.
6. Learn the importance of being important. (People need to feel important, even Christians, but the right way to feel important is knowing that God thinks your are important)
7. How to hold someone's heart.
8. So much more.
Time to write something lyrical.
Let me rephrase.
Sin is enjoyable in the present, but its lasting effects bring about pain and suffering.
Sin kills joy.
I think I fail to remember that my life is much better off when I choose to do the things that I am already supposed to do. When I go off tangent from what I am supposed to do, that is when I find myself stumbling down a road full of rocks and those annoying spiky balls that always seem to get stuck in the weirdest places. So let me tell you, I am on a mission to stay as far as possible from anything that would lead me to destroy my joy.
I need to protect my joy. I need to protect myself.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew exactly what the WRONG thing to do was, and it was on your mind the entire time, but somehow, by the grace of God you were able to do the right thing? Doing the right thing is not easy. I guess thats how things are. I really really really wanted to do the wrong thing today, but in my heart, I knew what the right thing was, and I did it.
I wish I could have done the right thing the first time around, then maybe I wouldn't have had my joy killed like it is. But its too late, and I'm sure that God can restore my joy. I was happy for a while, but honestly, screw being happy, I want the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
Sin kills joy. I've been the worst sinner of them all (which is an exaggeration since we are all freaking horrible sinners, but honestly, I've been a pretty jacked up Christian), and its time for me to really ask for repentance for whats been going down in my life.
I need to work on a lot of things.
1. It is impossible to win an argument. Even if you win, you lose. It is possible to have a good discussion (just to clarify).
2. Compliments are much more powerful than critiques. I am definitely in need of complimenting people more.
3. There are power in my words. Especially love, hate, forever, never, always, and all the other words that express unwavering emotion.
4. I need more patience.
5. When people bother me, I need to find a way to make it so they don't bother me... I don't know how to do this.
6. Learn the importance of being important. (People need to feel important, even Christians, but the right way to feel important is knowing that God thinks your are important)
7. How to hold someone's heart.
8. So much more.
Time to write something lyrical.
7.11.2009
Preparation
Three weeks sounds ridiculously short. Two weeks sounds even shorter.
I have two weeks of work left.
I have three weeks until I board a plane to leave for Korea.
I think I'm going to make a new blog specifically for my travels in Korea.
I am also going to make a smugmug or a flikr so I can show all the cool pictures I am going to take.
Also I will keep everyone posted with facebook.
So if you are reading this right now, I'm getting ready to go on my trip to Korea.
This Tuesday, I'm going to Houston (with steven) to get my E2 Foreign Teacher Visa for Korea. That is exciting and yet, it freaks me out.
All I can think about is Korea.
I am quite afraid. I'm sure that everything will go just fine, but still, I am getting the butterflies.
I withdrew some money from the bank today, so that I could have some cash when I'm in Korea.
I got a few passport pictures taken for my visa.
Ahh, crazyness.
Before I go, I want to eat good mexican food, a good burger (had P terry's today that was good), chipotle (which isn't really mexican...), a nice costco hotdog, pizza (maybe even from costco, steak, and anything else that I won't be able to find in Korea (I'm thinking really good italian food).
Before I go, I need to go shopping for business casual clothes. I want to get another suit.
Before I go, I need to get a storage unit for all my crap here in Austin, and MOVE all the crap.
Before I go, I need to meet up with everyone (preferably doing something awesome) to say goodbye.
I hope that I can leave this country with no strings attached. Meaning, I don't have anything to worry about here in the US. Worrying is so useless. Right?
I really do wonder, what is going to happen in 6 months.
Honestly, I am really really really really really considering staying for the whole year. I guess if it is a great experience, I might choose to extend my contract. That would be crazy.
Two weeks of work left. I'm going to miss those little kids. Haha.
I'll keep everyone updated about my blog about Korea. :)
I have two weeks of work left.
I have three weeks until I board a plane to leave for Korea.
I think I'm going to make a new blog specifically for my travels in Korea.
I am also going to make a smugmug or a flikr so I can show all the cool pictures I am going to take.
Also I will keep everyone posted with facebook.
So if you are reading this right now, I'm getting ready to go on my trip to Korea.
This Tuesday, I'm going to Houston (with steven) to get my E2 Foreign Teacher Visa for Korea. That is exciting and yet, it freaks me out.
All I can think about is Korea.
I am quite afraid. I'm sure that everything will go just fine, but still, I am getting the butterflies.
I withdrew some money from the bank today, so that I could have some cash when I'm in Korea.
I got a few passport pictures taken for my visa.
Ahh, crazyness.
Before I go, I want to eat good mexican food, a good burger (had P terry's today that was good), chipotle (which isn't really mexican...), a nice costco hotdog, pizza (maybe even from costco, steak, and anything else that I won't be able to find in Korea (I'm thinking really good italian food).
Before I go, I need to go shopping for business casual clothes. I want to get another suit.
Before I go, I need to get a storage unit for all my crap here in Austin, and MOVE all the crap.
Before I go, I need to meet up with everyone (preferably doing something awesome) to say goodbye.
I hope that I can leave this country with no strings attached. Meaning, I don't have anything to worry about here in the US. Worrying is so useless. Right?
I really do wonder, what is going to happen in 6 months.
Honestly, I am really really really really really considering staying for the whole year. I guess if it is a great experience, I might choose to extend my contract. That would be crazy.
Two weeks of work left. I'm going to miss those little kids. Haha.
I'll keep everyone updated about my blog about Korea. :)
7.10.2009
It Finally Happened
I knew this day would come.
It was not something that would surprise most people.
It surprised me, even though I expected it.
It was bound to happen.
I suppose I saw it coming.
It gradually became evident that it would happen.
As I woke up this morning
At 6 am.
For the first time.
My roommates had still not gone to bed.
Finally, I had woken before they even went to bed.
While I was dreaming, they were studying (playing)
I knew that it would one day happen.
They would usually sleep around 4 or 5.
Today, they made it all the way to the sunrise.
Did they bask in the glory of the sunrise?
No.
Instead they watched youtube videos of Zach Effron (courtney berry did an all nighter here too)
Ironically, I don't have work till 9:30 today. In my defense of waking up early, I took Harrison to the airport.
My crazy roommates. I suppose that this is college. And I am the old man.
It was not something that would surprise most people.
It surprised me, even though I expected it.
It was bound to happen.
I suppose I saw it coming.
It gradually became evident that it would happen.
As I woke up this morning
At 6 am.
For the first time.
My roommates had still not gone to bed.
Finally, I had woken before they even went to bed.
While I was dreaming, they were studying (playing)
I knew that it would one day happen.
They would usually sleep around 4 or 5.
Today, they made it all the way to the sunrise.
Did they bask in the glory of the sunrise?
No.
Instead they watched youtube videos of Zach Effron (courtney berry did an all nighter here too)
Ironically, I don't have work till 9:30 today. In my defense of waking up early, I took Harrison to the airport.
My crazy roommates. I suppose that this is college. And I am the old man.
7.09.2009
Moleskine
Today, I got a moleskine from someone for my birthday. I love it.
Tomorrow, I go to the Austin Zoo for work. HAH, "work".
Yesterday, I realized that time does heal some wounds that I thought would never be healed.
In two days, I will clean my room. I promise.
Two days ago, I watched 500 days of Summer, which was a great movie. I would write a review, but I think that I need to watch it one more time. I really enjoyed it, but it was harshly reminiscent of my own past.
In one week, I will have gone to Houston to get my visa for my trip to Korea.
A week ago, I was 19 years old, and thought that I knew what was going on.
In one month, I will be in Korea.
One month ago, I was not in Korea.
John Mayer completely destroys me with his words. Sometimes I wonder if he really does just sit down and write this stuff, or if he has people help him (or just straight out do it for him). He's a genius. I remember hearing an interview from him saying that he got the lyrics to one of his songs as he was walking down the isle of a grocery store. How. Awesome. Is. That.
I'm going to start writing songs again. I know they will suck. I'm still going to do it.
Tomorrow, I go to the Austin Zoo for work. HAH, "work".
Yesterday, I realized that time does heal some wounds that I thought would never be healed.
In two days, I will clean my room. I promise.
Two days ago, I watched 500 days of Summer, which was a great movie. I would write a review, but I think that I need to watch it one more time. I really enjoyed it, but it was harshly reminiscent of my own past.
In one week, I will have gone to Houston to get my visa for my trip to Korea.
A week ago, I was 19 years old, and thought that I knew what was going on.
In one month, I will be in Korea.
One month ago, I was not in Korea.
John Mayer completely destroys me with his words. Sometimes I wonder if he really does just sit down and write this stuff, or if he has people help him (or just straight out do it for him). He's a genius. I remember hearing an interview from him saying that he got the lyrics to one of his songs as he was walking down the isle of a grocery store. How. Awesome. Is. That.
I'm going to start writing songs again. I know they will suck. I'm still going to do it.
7.01.2009
I'm just sitting here waiting for the first kid to come through the door as I eat this scumpcious chocolate chip Clif Bar. Its amazing that I got to work early this morning, especially considering the fact that instead of setting my alarm on my phone, I did the exact opposite and accidentally put it on silent. Thankfully, my body woke me up at 6am on the dot. I woke up pretty sore from doing P90X (x is for EXTREMEEEE) yesterday, where we did some pretty intense leg excersizes. I had a pretty interesting dream, where I had KNEW that I had a test in Medical Terminology, but I didn't have a book, notes, or even a possible friend that knew what was going to be on the test. As I struggled to find a book, my quest led to me find my roommates all helping one another clean up someone's bed after someone (to be left unnamed) "wet the bed". It was a strage sight, but I continued to find something to help me study. Interestingly enough, I ran into a black woman, a mexican woman, and a white woman. I asked them if they had any information on the test (I know, pretty strange). They said no, and I would soon find out that they were prostitues. End of dream.
Strange. I hate having those school dreams where you know you have something to do, or you are late to school, or there is a deadline. I'm not going to be in school for 7 more months. Interesting how I still stress about grades and deadlines even though my job has neither. Waking up would seem to bring relief to my dreams problem, but in reality, it didn't. I felt stressed out in the morning. As if there was something that needed to be done.
Anyways, first kid came through the door. The twins.
Strange. I hate having those school dreams where you know you have something to do, or you are late to school, or there is a deadline. I'm not going to be in school for 7 more months. Interesting how I still stress about grades and deadlines even though my job has neither. Waking up would seem to bring relief to my dreams problem, but in reality, it didn't. I felt stressed out in the morning. As if there was something that needed to be done.
Anyways, first kid came through the door. The twins.
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